You know how I get reallllllly excited for my birthday every year? Like I’m still 5 years old? Keep that in mind.

My birthday is Tuesday. My mom came to visit. She’s only been out to Illinois twice since we moved last summer. The last time she came, the boy was home in Minnesota so it was just the two of us. I don’t know if that’s what’s different but this visit just felt plain awful.

She came in Friday night and I made dinner. It was fine. After dinner, we played Wii bowling and went to bed. Yesterday we spent the day shopping for wedding stuff and had a nice birthday lunch. Mom and I were done by around 3 or 4pm. That’s when it went downhill. We had NOTHING to do. NOTHING. I had planned NOTHING. Usually, the boy and I spend our weekends lazily, playing video games, catching up on housework or on our TV shows we’ve missed. We’re not that exciting. Mom felt as though she was intruding, like she was a burden, like she was exactly like her mother-in-law — boring, sorry for yourself old maid with a cat.

I CAN’T HANDLE HER THINKING THAT. I just can’t!!! We spent the evening watching movies on TV. I tried to cheer us up with popcorn. I TRIED to do a good job because I knew everyone was depending on me. And then today??? She wanted to leave early so she wasn’t ruining our weekend. I wouldn’t let her and convinced her to wait around til 11 so we could go out for pizza. She loves deep dish and I wanted to treat her to real Chicago deep dish. So we went to Giordano’s at 11…. but they didn’t open til noon. So we tried Lou Malnati’s… but they were closed. I JUST WANTED TO PLEASE SOMEONE. I was so frustrated. So we sat in the Giordano’s parking lot like freaking HOBOS until it opened.

I’m so emotionally drained. I took her back to the airport so she could catch the bus back to Indiana and I’ve been a crying emotional mess ever since. Why does she feel so down on herself? Why did I have to move so far from home? Why was this weekend SO hard?! Why must she feel so sorry for herself? Why can’t I just FIX IT?!?!?!?! Why do I feel guilty for having a happy, comfortable life? My mom is my best friend and it just KILLS me knowing she doesn’t feel welcome in my house. It KILLS me that she feels she’s a burden to me. I was SO looking forward to her visit so we could spend some time together and do wedding stuff but it just ended up AWFUL. I just wanted to make her feel welcome and I ended up stressing myself out, feeling sorry for MYSELF, and making everyone around me feel like SHIT because I took my task too seriously.

I HATE MY BIRTHDAY.

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